Control

I like to be in control.  I don't mean in control of other people though my profession certainly affords many opportunities to be in control of others.  I mean that I like to know what I'm doing and to do it well.  I like to be in control of the situation. Of course, this only comes with practice and hard work. And I cannot always be in control.  I cannot be perfect all the time. I know this, but I still find myself frustrated when I don't have control. 

It is only logical that one might struggle in a new situation; I get that.  Yet here I am, a new mother, discomforted by my lack of control dealing with my infant daughter. Everything I do not know makes me anxious and afraid. The diaper rash, the umbilical hernia, the spit up, the pacifier, the furrowed brow, the grumbly noises, the list is endless.   Am I holding her enough? Am I holding her too much? Should I talk to her more?  Is she content? How can I know?  What should I do? The questions keep accumulating, and my feelings of control keep diminishing. 

Logic reminds me that I'm a novice, unpracticed and ignorant.  But my heart yearns to know for certain, to be the best, to control the situation.